Confessions of A Failed Slut by Kathy Shaidle

Author:Kathy Shaidle [Shaidle, Kathy]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: SOCIAL SCIENCE/Women&#39, s Studies
Publisher: Thought Catalog
Published: 2014-03-28T04:00:00+00:00

Let’s face it: the only new standard-issue kitchen appliance is the dishwasher.

No, that sticky white rectangle gathering dust on your countertop doesn’t really count. How often do you use yours, really? A cute running gag on Canada’s Murdoch Mysteries sees the Victorian detectives pondering how the wild “new” discoveries they learn about in each episode – radiation, telegraphy – will be domesticated by generations to come. But like most every era’s proposed “futuristic” contraptions, especially those conceived before miniaturization became feasible, the detectives’ imagined devices are ever so slightly “off” – some existing object, but with added dollops of hideous, superfluous bulk. After learning about the discovery of electromagnetic radiation, Officer Crabtree is roundly mocked for proposing that one day, every household will have its very own “potato cooking room” – that is, a microwave oven.

And anyhow, all these appliances and more are still powered by electricity generated by the same old boring sources instead of solar or wind or tiny nuclear power plants in your basement. We continue to talk on phones and type on keyboards, endure painful, bloody surgery and (most annoying to many, from the sounds of it) drive earth-bound automobiles.

Ah, yes: “Where’s my flying car?” jokes every barstool bore ever. We already have “flying cars,” moron. They’re called “helicopters.” Personal aviation technology isn’t what’s lagging — it’s the infrastructure of chopper-friendly landing pads and fuelling stations (and reams of new legislation, regulation and insurance underwriting) that would make them feasible automobile substitutes.

We continue to use so many old fashioned devices because they work. That doesn’t seem to deter even supposedly clever people from screwing up a reliable, successful invention.

Let’s look at the Japanese again.

The folks who brought us the rape of Nanking and Hello Kitty are clearly cuckoo, but we can all agree they’re damn clever, too. Right?

Well, I have indisputable proof that the Japanese aren’t as smart as we’ve all been led to believe.

Why else would they decide to mess with one of their biggest exports?

I’m talking about the Hitachi Magic Wand.

No, this isn’t a Japanese Harry Potter knock off kid’s toy. “The Hitachi,” as it is commonly referred to for short, is a toy all right, but for grown ups. One of the “sex” variety.

The Hitachi Magic Wand is, ironically, one of the least erotic “marital aids” imaginable. It’s unwieldy. It’s comically loud. It’s hideous and vaguely antique, something you’d picture finding in your grandma’s bottom dresser drawer between the heating pad and the enema bag.

Whereas most vibrators are battery powered, the Hitachi plugs into the wall, which somehow compounds its off-putting resemblance to an artifact in the Mütter Museum.

And for many women, it’s the only thing that can bring them to orgasm, whether they want one, or two, or twenty. (Or not: “forced orgasm” plays a part in many BDSM porn flicks, and almost always, the Hitachi is the tool of “choice.”)

For an less explicit, almost prim, depiction of a well-placed Hitachi’s affect on the female anatomy, watch photographer Clayton Cubitt’s “performance art”

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.